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Saturday 30 June 2007
Friday 29 June 2007
Thursday 28 June 2007
Wednesday 27 June 2007
Joke: Short Animal Jokes - Elephants, Part 1
How can you tell when an elephant has been in your refrigerator?
Look for elephant tracks in the butter.
How do you know if there is an elephant under your bed?
Your nose is touching the ceiling.
How do you make an elephant float?
Add two scoops of ice cream and a can of root beer to one elephant.
How do you shoot a blue elephant?
With a blue elephant gun, of course.
How do you shoot a red elephant?
No, not with a red elephant gun. You strangle him until he turns blue, and then shoot him with a blue elephant gun.
How do you shoot a green elephant?
Tell him a dirty joke so he turns red, strangle him until he turns blue, and then shoot him with a blue elephant gun.
How do you shoot a yellow elephant?
Don’t be silly, there’s no such thing as a yellow elephant!
How do you stop an elephant from charging?
Take away his credit card.
How you get down from an elephant?
You don't, you get down from ducks.
If you see an elephant in your car, what time is it?
Time to get a new car!
What did the elephant say to the naked man?
"How can you breathe through that?"
What did the elephant say to the naked man?
"It's cute, but can you pick up peanuts with it?"
Look for elephant tracks in the butter.
How do you know if there is an elephant under your bed?
Your nose is touching the ceiling.
How do you make an elephant float?
Add two scoops of ice cream and a can of root beer to one elephant.
How do you shoot a blue elephant?
With a blue elephant gun, of course.
How do you shoot a red elephant?
No, not with a red elephant gun. You strangle him until he turns blue, and then shoot him with a blue elephant gun.
How do you shoot a green elephant?
Tell him a dirty joke so he turns red, strangle him until he turns blue, and then shoot him with a blue elephant gun.
How do you shoot a yellow elephant?
Don’t be silly, there’s no such thing as a yellow elephant!
How do you stop an elephant from charging?
Take away his credit card.
How you get down from an elephant?
You don't, you get down from ducks.
If you see an elephant in your car, what time is it?
Time to get a new car!
What did the elephant say to the naked man?
"How can you breathe through that?"
What did the elephant say to the naked man?
"It's cute, but can you pick up peanuts with it?"
Tuesday 26 June 2007
Monday 25 June 2007
Pet Protector to the Rescue
Dear owner: Please leave me at home. It gets really, really hot in the car. I don’t like it. Love, your loyal pet.
Does this look familiar? I hope not. If you’ve been the recipient of such a note, then you’re guilty of inflicting a cruelty no animal should be forced to suffer—being left in a parked car on a warm day.
Yes, I’m willing to admit that I am the local pet protector who secretly slides these notes under your windshield wiper. As you may have noticed, I always make sure that the writing faces the inside of the vehicle. That way, it can be easily read when you finally do return to your pet.
I am the person who advised the cashier at Chapters that you had left your headlights on. It was the tiniest of lies. I’d hoped that, after hearing the announcement, you would rush out, read my note, feel the appropriate amount of shame and vow never to leave your dog in the car again. Just to let you know, I waited 15 minutes before you returned. What were you thinking?
Many errant pet owners may claim they’re only making a quick dash into the grocery store. But you know how it is; a list of three items can soon turn into a cart full of food. The line-ups can seem excruciatingly long to the animal you’ve left in the stifling heat.
Just recently, I happened upon a policeman standing helplessly beside a parked car. A dog, its tongue dangling over its lower jaw, paced along the back seat. Interested bystanders lingered in front of the stores. The cop mumbled into his radio. Was he getting permission to break the window and rescue the animal? I sat in my own car (windows cranked open) and waited.
The sound of smashing glass was not to be. Instead, a harried woman, with two young children tugging on her arm, approached the car. At that moment, I envisioned her back at home, rounding up the kids, searching for her purse and shopping list before heading, breathless, out the door. The kids may have begged to bring Fido along with them. Overworked and tired, she gave in.
The cop spoke to her, the crowd dispersed, and I started my car and pulled away. I had mixed feelings about that particular episode. I could empathize with the woman but the fact remained—the dog could have died.
Even with the windows partially open, the temperature inside a car can reach 49 degrees Celsius within minutes. I often hear warnings on the radio and television advising pet owners about the dangers. And, still, people continue to invite their beloved canine friends along for the ride.
Last summer, unprepared, I would scribble my notes on any available scrap of paper—a bank receipt or a Starbucks serviette. This year, when the warm weather began to poke its way through the winter’s chill, I knew it was time to pull my pet protector cloak from the closet. Anticipating a rash of owners not heeding the media warnings, I’ve printed off 20 copies of the note (it’s true, this is becoming a bit of an obsession). I’ll stash the notes in my glove compartment and, hopefully, there will be some remaining when the weather eventually begins to cool.
No one’s ever caught me playing the crusader to these four-legged victims. I’m very careful. With the ease of a seasoned stalker, I stroll toward my target and, in a fluid motion, whisk the piece of paper into place. Seldom do the animals, usually dogs, make any kind of fuss. The odd time, I see the owners discover my note. It’s interesting to observe their suspicious and, sometimes, angry glances around the parking lot.
I’m not brave enough for a confrontation with the dog’s owner; I know how defensive I would get if someone questioned my ability to care for my pet. Most people love and treat their pets as an important member of the family. It’s understandable that, in a moment of weakness, owners give in to the pleading in their dog’s eyes as they pick up the car keys. This is one time that owners must say no. The animal will be much happier and safer in the home.
I will continue to protect the furry citizens in my town. I encourage everyone to be on the lookout for those black noses pressed through a sliver of open window, trying to catch a whisper of fresh air. Print your own notes (I always try to be as polite as possible). Make a difference. Save a life.
My essay, Pet Protector to the Rescue, first appeared in the Globe and Mail in July 2003.
Saturday 23 June 2007
Friday 22 June 2007
Thursday 21 June 2007
Joke: Short Animal Jokes - Cows, Part 3
What is the most important use for cowhide?
To hold the cow together.
What kind of cows do you find in Alaska?
Eski-moos.
What sound do you hear when you drop a bomb on a cow?
Cowboom!
Where do cows go on dates?
To the movies.
Where do milk shakes come from?
Nervous cows.
Why did Cleopatra take milk baths?
She couldn't find a cow tall enough for a shower.
Why did the cow cross the road?
To get to the moosic store.
Why did the cow jump over the moon?
To get to the Milky Way.
Why do cows wear bells?
Because their horns don't work.
Why don't cows ever have any money?
Because the farmers milk them dry.
Why is a barn so noisy?
All the cows have horns.
To hold the cow together.
What kind of cows do you find in Alaska?
Eski-moos.
What sound do you hear when you drop a bomb on a cow?
Cowboom!
Where do cows go on dates?
To the movies.
Where do milk shakes come from?
Nervous cows.
Why did Cleopatra take milk baths?
She couldn't find a cow tall enough for a shower.
Why did the cow cross the road?
To get to the moosic store.
Why did the cow jump over the moon?
To get to the Milky Way.
Why do cows wear bells?
Because their horns don't work.
Why don't cows ever have any money?
Because the farmers milk them dry.
Why is a barn so noisy?
All the cows have horns.
Wednesday 20 June 2007
Tuesday 19 June 2007
Phhrhpht!
Lolcats are photos with humorous captions. Lolcat images consist of a photo, sometimes photoshopped, with words typed over the photo. They are usually intentionally grammatically incorrect, with errors in spelling and syntax. Create your own lolcat.
Monday 18 June 2007
Sunday 17 June 2007
Saturday 16 June 2007
Friday 15 June 2007
Thursday 14 June 2007
Joke: Short Animal Jokes - Dogs, Part 7
Which dog is fun to play with?
The Toy poodle.
Which dog is really dumb?
The Airhead terrier.
Which dog is very scary?
A boo terrier.
Which dog smells the best?
The Scent Bernard.
Which dog tastes better when eaten?
A hot dog.
Which dog wears a badge and carries handcuffs?
A police dog.
Which dog weighs the most?
The heavyweight boxer.
Which dog works in a restaurant?
The Irish table setter.
Which foods definitely don't mix?
A hot dog and catsup.
Which part of trees do dogs like best?
The bark.
The Toy poodle.
Which dog is really dumb?
The Airhead terrier.
Which dog is very scary?
A boo terrier.
Which dog smells the best?
The Scent Bernard.
Which dog tastes better when eaten?
A hot dog.
Which dog wears a badge and carries handcuffs?
A police dog.
Which dog weighs the most?
The heavyweight boxer.
Which dog works in a restaurant?
The Irish table setter.
Which foods definitely don't mix?
A hot dog and catsup.
Which part of trees do dogs like best?
The bark.
Wednesday 13 June 2007
Tuesday 12 June 2007
Newborn kitten receives puppy love
Sprinkle, a 1-year-old white Chihuahua owned by Teresa Coale, considers the newest addition to the household her new puppy.
Her new “puppy” is actually a 2-week-old black kitten.
Sprinkle regularly grooms the kitten, licking its face and body. She protects the kitten from people reaching in to pick her up. Even though she’s not producing milk, the dog tries to nurse the kitten. The unlikely pair also sleep together, curled up with the kitten’s head resting on Sprinkle’s body.
(via)
Monday 11 June 2007
Camp Gone to the Dogs
Do you hate to take a vacation without your dog? Do you find anything you do is more fun with your canine buddy beside you? Do you really enjoy watching your dog have a great time?If this sounds like you, Camp Gone to the Dogs® may be your dream vacation.
Picture yourself and your dog enjoying the great outdoors as you train on lush green fields, with vistas of distant mountains on the horizon.
Thursday 7 June 2007
A dog's life in Paris
Dogs are part of the fiber of daily life in Paris. They're with their owners in restaurants, in up-scale hair salons, in the Metro, and absolutely everywhere in the streets. Sometimes they're on leash, and if tired, they may be carried in their owner's arms or even put in a baby buggy. But more often than not, they're free-wheeling through the streets, leashless, impeccably behaved, and always in the company of their owners.
Wednesday 6 June 2007
Joke: Short Animal Jokes - Dogs, Part 6
What kind of tree goes arf! arf!?
A dogwood.
What's happening when you hear "woof...splat...meow...splat?"
It's raining cats and dogs.
What's the first thing a dog politician learns?
How to shake hands.
Where do you find a no legged dog?
Right where you left him.
Where do young dogs sleep when they camp out?
In pup tents.
Where should you never take a dog
To a flea market.
Which breed of dog can make you yell "Ouch"?
The Doberman pincher.
Which dog eats twice as much as any other dog?
A Chow Chow.
Which dog has long hair and never spends any money?
An Old English cheap dog.
Which dog is a 14-carat canine?
The golden retriever.
A dogwood.
What's happening when you hear "woof...splat...meow...splat?"
It's raining cats and dogs.
What's the first thing a dog politician learns?
How to shake hands.
Where do you find a no legged dog?
Right where you left him.
Where do young dogs sleep when they camp out?
In pup tents.
Where should you never take a dog
To a flea market.
Which breed of dog can make you yell "Ouch"?
The Doberman pincher.
Which dog eats twice as much as any other dog?
A Chow Chow.
Which dog has long hair and never spends any money?
An Old English cheap dog.
Which dog is a 14-carat canine?
The golden retriever.
Tuesday 5 June 2007
Monday 4 June 2007
Sunday 3 June 2007
Saturday 2 June 2007
Friday 1 June 2007
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